Memwars uv a Kobold
Ottobyogriffy uv Skunge the Bandit

At last! Affer yeers uv lernin to write, I be able to make my memwars! Boot whar do I start? I spose I shud start at the peeginning. Prease bare with me az I pin this tale uv my life, and I polojize for my poor pinmanship in adfants. Kobold handz are smaller than most udder races and our feengers are not az arrtikyoolit.

My erliest memree is at aboot threep yeers oold, I don't member much afore that. I yoosed to go with my mutter to Darkstone Bay whar we wood go crabbing. I'd usually jest sit and draw things, acuz I luv to draw. We wood dangle pieces oof gak meat frum strings into the Bay and wait foor the crabs to bite. We pool the crabs up reeeel slow so they don't lit go, then we grab them and put them in buckits. Well, we wood ave put them in buckits, but we always forgot the buckits. So we'd put them on the ground, and they wood bite and pinch us. This wuz bad for me, becuz liddle kobolds don't ware clothes. I wood run back to the village ebree time with a crab er too clinging to my bottum. Now that I'm older, I know it how we is sposed to git the crabs back home, since we got no buckits. It shore hert back then, tho.

Oh yeah, my name is Skunge. I foorgot to menshin that.

I groo up kwik, witch is sad, but commun for a kobold. We constintly are dodgin people whot come to the village to keel us, and prepairing foor the day when we come outta our hidin places to do baddle with those geno..cider.. those people whot want to kill us all off. I lost a lotta cuzzins to people comin to the village to keel a few uv us and make a name foor demselfs.

Well, one day, we jest gawt sick of it all. We all met unner the ..wait, I cain't tell you whar we met, it's seekrit. But we met there and we hadged a plan that people member to this verra day. We decided it wuz time foor some payback, we decided to rob the Womener Landink's bank! I gawt to draw the stratijee map, acuz I luv to draw. So we wint to our homes to prepair for the next night, when we wuz gunna rob the bank. Alla us wuz to meet back at the seekrit place and then we wuz gunna attack and steal alla the lewt. But we fergot whar the seekrit meeting place wuz, so we din't go that night. It wuz anudder week afore Bawbik membered whar it wuz, and by that time most uv us had foorgottin aboot it compleetly. It wuz anudder two weeks afore we gawt everybawdy back to the seekrit place for the invayshin.

So there we all wuz, under the ..wait, seekrit place, holding our lewt bags and our shoort swords. It wuz time.

We scrambled outta there like we wuz eggs. We gawt short legs, but we's fast. We wuz troo the gates afore anyone realized whot wuz happening. Once the Womener Lantink people figgered it out, tho, we wuz in a lotta trubble. Whole buncha people came affer us and started attacking. A few uv us was already in the bank by that time, and the gate-thing keeping the munny safe wuz nearly off. I wuz inside trying to pry open the door with my shoort sword, so I missed most of the fightin. I gawt the door open with a liddle effert. Thing wuz, it won't the bank door, there wuz veggies and stuff. I took a wrong turn and wuz in the grocer's shop. Undonted, I grabbed up a handful uv gnollish mushrooms, stuffed them in my mouse and started chewin as I dashed outta there and across the street to the bank.

What a trajick site it wuz! So many uv my friends, on the ground, bleedin and dying, big nasty ole fire breathin wizzids and drake falshon weelding warriors searching troo their bawdies like they were a Winter Solstice prezint. Lewt bag in hand and wit a fire in my eyes (and my belly, I ate too much onion stew afore we invaded) I darted into the Furst Elanith Bank. I knoo my fawllin comrads' memrees is best served by compleeting our mishun.

Into the bank I floo. Well, I ran, but I ran so fast it was like I floo. Ahead uv me wuz a big fella witta clay..claidh.. it wuz a big ole sword, and he was swingin it at me! I yelped, acuz it wuz real scary, and ducked real fast. Whoosh, right over my hed! Well, almost over. That's how I lost one of my horns. But I don't want to remember that, I gawt called all sorts uv names affer that. I stud up and rane bitween that swinging fella's legs and past the bank arch. Whot I saw afore me wuz amazing.

There wuz a veritibble flood of coins litterin the floor with some old guy yellin and flailing. I think he called himself Teller. So this guy named Teller is trying to git rid of us, but there wuz too many kobolds foor him to deal with us all. I sneaked behind him and filled up my lewt bag. Oh, and Bawbik wuz there, too. He kept poking Teller in the bottum with his short sword. So whot I did wuz I gawt behind Teller, and Bawbik distracted him real good by pullin down his trouzers and showin his buns to him. Then Bawbik turned aroond and gave Teller a big shuv! Teller flailed backwards and stumbled back into me. He couldn't get his balince and he tripped ober me and landid right on his back! It was hilaireeus! I won't never foorgit the look on his face!

I gawt myself up, giggling like a goon, brushed myself off and ran out that arch. Outside the bank, I raised my lewt back triumphantly as wizzids and sorcerfolks started gesturen and uddering frases uv magic. I knoo whot that meant, so I ran to the west, back to the village, as fast as my liddle legs wood take me.

We stole a lotta coins that day, we got them stashed out behind the ...um, that's a seekrit, too. Fergit it.

I lost a lotta friends in that robbery. I nebber did see Bawbik agin. It is true when they says that crime don't pay. I knew in my hart that we lost more than we gained. We wuz victoruss, but at whot loss? Crime won't foor me. Drawing wuz foor me. I luv to draw, I knoo my callin in life wuz art. I gawt lots of pitchers I droo and paintid at my home.

But I couldn't stay home and jest draw, I gawt adventuruss blud! I decided right then and their to go out into the werld and draw whut I sees. I gawt lost a lot, tho. So I had to take up anudder trade with bein' an artist. Bickaim a map maker, too!

Ober the next bunch uv yeers I went all ober the place and visited a lotta cities. Gawt muh buns kicked in half of them. Whot do people gawt against us kobolds? I giss I won't nebber know, but I done learnt to git by fine. I droo the cities, I droo the mountains, I droo maps of whar I been and how I gawt there, and whot I had to climb and whar I had to go. One time I wint to an elf city. I wint there at night so I could hide in the streets. I even droo the city at night, but my pitcher didn't tern out so good, since I aksiddintly put it in my canteen insted of my map case. Alla the ink and coal sorta ran together and jest dyed the parchment black. My map oof the city is grate, tho. I'll keep it wit my memwars so udder people kin see it. It's a reel good map, and it took a lot of eff

Editor's Note: The kobold's story ends in this abrupt manner due to the similarly abrupt and apparently unexpected end of his life. Also supplied were a few ..charming.. drawings and an old, dirty map which looks like it partially served as a handkerchief.