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Gentle Readers,

Please forgive my absence from the last issue. I was so stunned at Lord Commandant's attempt to usurp my self-appointed position as advice doyenne that I had to go on a shopping spree that lasted for several weeks, and took equally long a time for recovery. I'm pleased to report that I'm all ready for the fall season (actually, for the next several seasons) and I have again taken up my pen and am back at my post. As always, I am pleased to answer your pressing questions. Please direct your correspondence to ylena@ylena.com, and do have a lovely day!

I've been walking through the streets of the Landing for hours, trying to find the runner, but it seems that all I'm finding are empty boxes to stumble over! It's bad enough that I'm wearing out my slippers trudging about in fruitless pursuit without having bruises on my shin to add to my discomfort. Why is there so much trash here?

Stymied by the Stables

Dear Stymied,

Considering the number of trash receptacles, that's a very good question. My guess is that people aren't taking a moment to clean up after themselves. It doesn't take long to pick up and dispose of messes and it does make for a more beautiful Elanthia.

As far as your stumbling - have you tried spectacles? Perhaps they would help you avoid more obstacles. I remember trying to track down the runner myself. You might consider consulting a map and conducting a systematic search rather than wandering aimlessly. It will save time - and slippers.

I recently was selected by a merchant for some custom work. I was so excited by the possibilities that I couldn't come up with an idea for several minutes. Unfortunately, my happiness soon turned to anger when the other customers made remarks about how long I was taking and how I didn't deserve to have my cloak tailored. They even said that the firefly that hovered in front of me was rigged! I thought merchants were supposed to be fun. I love my cloak, but the experience wasn't what I had expected.

Disillusioned in Darkstone

Dear Disillusioned,

Merchants can be a great deal of fun. In fact, they should be a great deal of fun. Unfortunately, since there's never enough services to go around, sometimes people reveal a darker side. I'd love to tell you that everyone will be happy and celebrate your good fortune with you. However, as you experienced, disappointment can leave some folks bitter. Try to understand that comments about things being unfair aren't really directed at you.

I do have to take you to task for not being ready with your heart's desire. Remember, a merchant's time is best spent doing work - and if they're waiting on you to tell them what to do, you might be taking someone else's turn. It's always a good idea to keep a wish list on hand of what you would like to have done. Having several alternatives available is wise, because certain merchants will not do some kinds of work - or what you want may be impossible.

Knowing what you want BEFORE you walk in the door will win you many friends. Be kind to your fellow citizens and put some thought in ahead of time.

Two weeks ago, my husband left forever. (Something about avenging his parents' death, I was entirely too distraught to get all the details.) He made me very happy, and I was miserable when he left.

A couple of days later, I met a wonderful man who has swept me off my feet. You know how it is (or so rumor has it, anyway). He hunts with me, he buys me presents - in short, he's everything you've ever advocated looking for in a mate.

Here's my dilemma. I've been a widow for less than two weeks, but my new intended gave me an engagement ring last night (which I accepted, and it's absolutely lovely - my girlfriends are green with envy). I do love him, but I'm wondering if this is all happening a little too fast. As a matter of etiquette, how long should I stay widowed before I remarry?

Hasty in Harbingers

Dear Hasty,

You're describing a condition which unfortunately is all too familiar - spousal replacement. It never fails to amaze me how many weddings I attend, listening to the bride and groom swearing eternal love for one another, only to find out that they've separated a week later and are not even on speaking terms - then in the next week, they're starting the process all over again with someone else.

This advice may surprise you, coming from me, but I think most of us are too quick to get married. There's nothing wrong with a nice, long, gift-filled engagement. Attraction is wonderful, romance is exciting, but it takes more than that to have a successful lasting union. Are you both awake at the same time? If you both enjoy hunting together, are you reasonably close to the same training and willing to delay if need be to stay that way? Do you have the same goals in life, or at least goals that are mutually compatible? Does he utter the dreaded word "budget" only when you've been a total profligate? Does he know what you like, and when you deserve to be spoiled (always)?

There's nothing more miserable than being in a group of your peers and realizing that at least seven of them are ex-fiancées. Do yourself a favor and take your time, dear. If it's for real, he's not going anywhere.

I'm secretly in love with an older wizard of shall we say ... cranky ... reputation, but he never so much as looks at me except to threaten to incinerate me. What should I do to catch his eye without losing mine?

Smitten in Solhaven

Dear Smitten,

I'm inclined to ask you how you could possibly be in love with someone so lacking in social graces, but then my mind makes the connection: older wizard - enchanting - bank account - presents - and all becomes clear.

Perhaps incineration is his endearing way of showing affection. It only hurts for a moment, but love lasts a lifetime! Well, theoretically it does. Expensive jewelry lasts a lifetime, too. What is it those fiter types say - no pain, no gain?

Someone gave me a gift of a new cloak yesterday. Unfortunately, it's a lime green cloak lined in orange satin and studded with copper discs. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I don't want to hurt anyone's eyes, either. Help!

Torn in Town Square

Dear Torn,

A present is a present is a present. Never refuse them, even if it hurts to look at them.

You have to wear it at least once, in public, and then you can safely tuck it away in a locker forever. You might save it for a costume party. Gods. I can't even begin to think how to accessorize something so - so - unique.

You might consider using this gift to start a trend. Despite my abhorrence of ochre, I was presented with a pair of ochre slippers earlier this year. I took it as a challenge to make ochre fashionable, and to that end, I put together an ensemble that I truly like. It will never be my favorite color, but I learned something about myself in the process. I'd draw the line at puce, though.

Maybe wear it with a bright yellow gown and lots of copper jewelry? Perhaps a gown with very deep décolletage so no one notices what is on your back? Be creative, be bold - and you might consider getting very drunk beforehand, so you don't really care.

I've been asked to give a speech at a friend's wedding, but all I can think to say is "I give it a month." Any advice?

Thoughtless in Thraks

Dear Thoughtless,

Your candor might be refreshing. I've been to weddings where saying, "I give it a week" would be charitable.

Let's face it. Who listens to the speeches, anyway? The bride and groom are too busy staring at one another, the cleric is too busy praying for them to stay together at least until the end of the ceremony, and the assembled guests are too busy either flirting or snoring.

Raising a glass and saying, "Here's to your happiness, as long as it lasts" is an option. Babbling something about "I've known So-and-so forever and he deserves every happiness" is another route. Basically, you're going to have to lie politely, but you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that no one is paying a bit of attention.

I know this prominent woman who's married to a prominent man and is having an overtly torrid affair with another prominent man. Whatever happened to public decency? Shouldn't she stop?

Perched on the Porch

Dear Perched,

Although of course I would have absolutely no idea who you might possibly be talking about, my first inclination is to say, No! It really isn't any of your business, dear, but look at it this way - at least they're giving you something interesting to talk about.

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