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The Heifer and the Hoofer
by Nofret Hrist

There was a schoolteacher who dwelled within my town,
A cold and solemn man he was, whose face aye wore a frown.
'Twas whispered he no patience had for teaching youngsters' minds,
But that he preferred to study things of the sorcerous kind.

But one day, while walking on the green, he chanced to see a lass.
He knew that he would have no peace till their mating came to pass.
He spoke to the girl's small brother next day while in the school:
"Help me win your sister--I'll teach you without ferule."

"No beatings?" squealed the boy with joy. "Aye, teacher, I'm your man!
"Tell me what you wish of me, I'll help you if I can."
"Bring me three hairs from your sister's head, and three from her nether part,
"She'll be mine, mind and body, once I use my magic art."

He gave the boy a paper that contained a magic spell,
The boy raced home that evening, determined to do well.
He yanked three hairs from his sister's head as she lay fast asleep.
For the other three tried...the girl cried out! He was in trouble deep.

With sundry beatings the boy was thrashed for committing such a sin,
Till, "I did as my teacher bade me!" he shouted at his kin.
His mother scowled fiercely. "Oh really, did you now?"
Went to the barn, and plucked six hairs from the udder of their cow.

"Give these to your teacher!" The boy dared not say nay.
He gave the hairs, wrapped in the spell, to his teacher the next day.
The teacher, overjoyed, made haste to cast the magic spell,
And, once 'twas done, he went to await the girl at the town well.

He'd scarce been there five minutes when he saw what he'd enchanted,
But oh, the horror! What he saw was far from what he wanted!
A spotted cow with large brown eyes brimming with romance
Was racing quickly toward him in a swift and agile dance.

The teacher gasped, the teacher fled, o'er bramble bush and thorn,
Over stile and under hedge, through fields of wheat and corn,
But he could not elude the cow, who stayed three steps behind,
Leaping and lowing after him, with one thing on her mind.

The noise bestirred the people who dwell within my town.
They laughed to see the dancing cow and the teacher without his frown.
The mother shouted, so all could hear, "You wanted endless love?
"Well, now 'tis yours till that spell breaks, praise be the gods above!"

The teacher moaned, for well he knew that spell would last forever,
And for a moment cursed himself for being oh so clever.
But then the cow drew near him, the man let loose a wail,
And fled, half-stumbling, o'er the hills--the cow followed, flapping her tail.

They say he became a hoofer, they say he is a bard,
They say he dances into town, with practiced moves and hard.
But he will not stay long in town, nor return to where he's been,
For the cow's still close behind him, and trying his love to win.

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